Regret

I have never had a regret quite like this one.

I’m finally in a relationship that I have finally felt like I haven’t tired to make “work”. I finally am at a place were I don’t have to pretend to being someone that I’m not. I like it. I enjoy this feeling.

BUT because of a prenuptial agreement I made at the beginning of the relationship, I never envisioned a “happily ever after” but now, being in this relationship for about a year or two, I’m afraid of living without this person. I’ve never began to think about my future nonetheless think about it with someone else before them but I can’t help but think of us together. 

Granted, there are probably other men out there that would be understanding of my dedication to my work or my constant caring for others besides myself but with them it’s different. 

Even when we’re alone I feel a sense of compatibility I feel like I will never achieve again. Everyone has their first “love” and usually it’s their first relationship but it’s their first crush or middle school relationship. I have found my first true and honest to Gods love right here right now. In the place I’m striving to free myself from. From the place I’m trying to keep true and at the same token trying to individualize myself from. 

I will never forget these times because they are the first times I felt true love and the reason I regret it is because at some point, I’m going to say good-bye. 

How do you tell someone they are beautiful?

It’s a shame really that some of our greatest artists are so tortured. They create such beauty and bring new views and insight to this world. They can see beauty in everything but themselves. 

Vincent Van Gogh was a dutch painter that expressed emotions with vibrant colors. His paintings were hypnotic and unforgettable yet a inner sense of torment and misery brought on his eventual suicide. 

Ernest Hemingway was a celebrated author that is studied and quoted in today’s world. Even 50 years after his gruesome suicide he is still remembered and loved. 

Ludwig Van Beethoven was a child prodigy in the art of composing and performing. Even when stricken with deafness in the prime of his life Beethoven created beautiful works of art that moved the world. When Beethoven would finish a performance although he couldn’t hear the cheers and applause, he still cried because of the simplistic beauty of seeing them was all he needed. He died from lead poisoning which is said to be contributed to his deafness. 

They all saw facets of the world that the average Joe tends to overlook. There is beauty all around you, you just need to be wise enough to see it. These men saw it yet, these men didn’t think they were beautiful. 

It pains me to see such beautiful people in this world who inspire me everyday think that they are less then average. It also confuses me how they can’t see the talent they have within themselves. People like this inspire me to do better. They inspire me to write, they inspire me to move forward and work for what I love to do and not what others think I should do. They show me that the world isn’t just dollar signs and labels. The world is about the beauty in a way the light falls on a persons face or a planks on a bridge. They show me how one smile could change a persons life.

It has always been a goal of mine to impact someones life. But what do you do when the person that has impacted your life can’t realize how beautiful they really are? It’s painful and it only ends in tears really. Tears brought on by pure sincerity and appreciation for what they have done. You only hope it gets through. 

You can’t tell someone they are beautiful. You have to show them.  

Pixels are the new ink

“We lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we’re going to live on the internet” It seems like we live most of social lives and even relationships through the internet. We are starting to have less faith in the spoken and written words and more validation in pixels. I want to know why? Although we now have knowledge at our fingertips can all of this knowledge be trusted? No. There isn’t a fiction and non-fiction section in the internet, so why do we put these websites on a pedestal? Why doesn’t a relationship exist if it’s not on your social networking page? With this logic of it not existing unless it’s on Facebook, how did our parents meet? How did people twenty years ago know that they were “going steady” or know when to call someone their boyfriend/girlfriend? I guess one could argue that these social networking sites makes those answers clearer. But they went on to have happy marriages and wonderful kids that now think “S/He wont put our relationship up on Facebook, so he must not love me!” Do they say they love you? Do they say they care? Do they hug you when your sad? Do they support the things you do? Then that’s better than being “Facebook Official”